So Close Yet So Far

How does it feel to really want something? To really somehow yearn for that something to the extent it occupies your mind, filling you with it's images until you somehow drown in it? That you were so close to grasping it but it just slipped away? To see it there so near but it will not be yours at that moment? To feel it so real but knowing it's not yours? To virtually hug it but just to wake up realizing its air? Just air?

Gone and Away

You'll never appreciate what you have till it's gone.
I never thought I'll verify this fact. It seemed to me I've never had enough. I'd always wanted more. Can't blame me. Human incontempt. I've lost so many things in my life. Most of the time subconsciously. In the end I'll normally get something new in return. There'll always be a replacement in the end. I've had always that don't-carish attitude. I'd never thought I'd care. But this time is different. I do. I want it back. In my heart there'll always be a hole. A hole nothing can ever fill. I want it so much I can't sleep. I can't think of anything else. I'll get it back if I can. It's a promise I etch to myself.

Boredom

I've got no inspiration lately. It's as though brain's dried out from creativity.
HOW?

Losing Self-faith

I never thought that I'll come across this phase of life where I've was so unsure of myself. Of what I'm supposed to do, of what I'm supposed to show, of what I'm supposed to talk about. I've always had my confidence grasped between my fingers so tight that I'm so sure it'll never going to slip away. Why, though it happens all the time now? I seem to hold back, as though afraid I was going to make a mistake, hurt somebody's feelings or do worse. I can't let loose. It's as though a thin, strong layer of what seems to be of some transparent material has formed around my confidence, making it so near yet so far to reach for. I used to do something by unleashing every thing I owned, unafraid of what it may lead me to. Now, what used to be feels like a distant memory. Maybe it's because of the new people that has entered my life. Maybe it's the old people that has left my life. The new environment.
THE INCREASING AGE.
THE DYING EARTH.
THE FADING CLOUDS.
All the possibilities in the world.

Deceiving Friendship

Well I've currently discovered the truth of what I thought were my true friends thought of me. Naturally, I felt betrayed. Who wouldn't after all that we've seemingly gone through together? Come to think of it, it has all been a downright lie. A pretense they have put on. I've was subconsciously being lied to when I was genuinely enjoying the so-called friendship. I used to fill myself up with gratitude and ask questions like, what have I done to have such great friends? Now I'd just laugh bitterly at those thoughts for it has been proven to me I didn't have the right to actually deserve such friends. Ironically, the reality hadn't shattered my heart. It had merely torn off a segment off my heart. A segment that could never heal but is too small to leave a long memory. Inevitably, no matter how small the segment, it's still a part of me torn and thrown into the wastepaper basket. I thought the laughter that are still ringing in my ears were sincere, deep down from the core of their hearts. I thought my company for them was entertaining. I thought they were there in my times of need, when I had fallen into a loophole of life. In the end it was just a bunch of 'I thoughts'. I still thank them though, for giving me a summarized version of the cold, hard truth. For displaying to me how damsels in distress actually are. I couldn't have learnt a lesson like this in a typical classroom. I thank them for giving me the taste of the chocolate of a chocolate-coated peanut before biting into the hard peanut. I thank them for letting me realize I actually have friends a thousand times better than them, friends who their true colours shined through, like a brilliant ray of a much-awaited rainbow after the heavy downpour of rain. I thank them for indirectly giving me a chance to focus on other things. I felt like squeezing the shells of what they've put on all this while to deceive me for they've shown me the path where I'm supposed to tread on. After so long being off track, they've put me back on track like a toddler placing his toy train on the toy railway track. It was as though a door of no return has been introduced to me and the right thing to do is to go through it and leave the world I'd once thought I'd known behind to gradually fade away with time. It'd occured to me that I've had to sacrifice them for the better. I DON'T MIND.
THANK YOU, HYPOCRITES.

Life as a flight of stairs

First of all, I'm speaking of life from my perspective where I've gone through more than a decade and a half of years. Much as I hate to admit it, I think of my life so far as an unproductive one. To me, in comparison to others, I've not achieved anything to be proud of, anything I can call mine. I'm not the one to blame though, for life is tough. That's how relate this to my theory of life as a flight of stairs. Experience has made a mark in me, indicating that it gets harder along the way. Like a never ending flight of stairs that I've started to climb the minute I was given life, life had been set out for me like a carpet over these flight of stairs. Every step gets gradually steeper, of larger degree, of higher distance but simultaneously, I begin to wear out, lose breath and feel every ounce of energy draining out as though I've leaked. How I wished that I can just stop climbing these stairs, finally stopping to see a vast landscape before my eyes giving me the impression that my journey is going to be smooth sailing from now on, no more steps to push myself up. How I wished. There were times I thought I caught a glimpse of this but just to find out it was a lie to shadow the truth, to hide the reality that I still had a flight of stairs to climb. However, these lies are like a blanket of fog, which pass me by as I begin to get lost in it. In short, to stop climbing these stairs is to stop living. Inevitably, it has finally dawned to me that life is not a bed of candy floss. It's just a matter of time to realize that to live is to die. I'm not being pessimistic but I'm highlighting the truth that so many choose to avoid.